けんたと一緒に暮らし始めて一ヶ月が過ぎた頃だった。
夢にまでみていた子どもとの生活。楽しくうれしいはずなのに、けんたとの毎日は想像以上にしんどかった。生活すべてがけんたのペース．．．．私は余裕がなかった。
2歳のけんたは食べ物の好き嫌いが異常に多く、私の料理をたびたび拒否した。自分が拒否されているみたいで悲しくなった。絶えず「だっこだっこ！」とせがまれ、抱っこしながら歩き続けた。
そんな日々に疲れ果て、乳児院の保育士さんに相談し、10日ほど預かっていただくことになった。ほっとする一方で、手離してしまったことをけんたに申し訳なく思った。私を嫌いになっちゃうんじゃないか...まただっこさせてくれるだろうか...心配が募った。
迎えに行ったとき、けんたは保育士さんに抱かれていた。私が「けんた！」と両手をだすと、一瞬さっと身体をひっこめた。再び両手をだすと、 「ママー！」と私の胸に飛び込んで、いつものようににっこりと笑った。愛おしく思った。
けんたにとっての母親は私なんだ、私を必要としているんだ、ずっと一緒にいたい。
改めて思った。
それからも疲れ果ててしまう時はある。
でも、けんたの私を見つめる顔のあどけなさとつないだ手の温もりがかわいくて、あれ以来、けんたとひとときも離れることはしていない。
It was probably at the time that a month or so has passed since we started to live together with Kenta. We dreamed of living together with a child and it should be fun and joyous, but the days with Kenta was rougher than we imagined. Life...everything was spent at Kenta's speed of life. I didn't have room to enjoy...
Two-year old Kenta abnormally hated numbers of food rejecting often my cookings. I became so sad as if I myself was rejected. As he incessantly asked dacco, I had to continue to walk while I kept him in my arms. I was completely all in, therefore, I consulted a registered care-giver at an infant facility(home) asking her to keep him in the custody for 10 days.
While I was relieved of this, I felt guilty of letting him away.....I began to feel like...if he starts hating me or if he can ever let me do dacco (hugging him) again....Anxiety has piled up....After 10 days, I went back there to pick him up. He was in the arms of the registered care-giver. I called...Kenta! stretching my both hands to him, then he quicky pulled his body back. I tried the same once again....then, I hear..."Mom !"....he jumped into my chest and smiled as usual. It was quite a lovable moment for me. It was the very moment I ruminated myself that I am the mother to Kenta with no question, and he desparately needs me....I reconfirmed I really want to be with him for life.
To tell you the truth, since then, there is still time of fatigue coming off and on. But, ever since I began to love seeing his innocent face catching on
me and I feel the warmth of our hands when held together,we never separated each other even a single moment......
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